Ever since Violet (Co-founder of Lunch Actually) launched her book recently, there has been a mini furore about the “unmatchability” of single women over the age of 35 years old. I have had phone and email enquiries from women with regard to this, as well as reporter from Wo Bao calling in to ask whether there has been a marked increase in the number of female members over 35 years old over these few years, and whether they are harder to match. My answers are: No, there has not been a marked increase, and yes they are harder to match.

Our conversation moved on to why women above 35 years are harder to match, and how do we handle them etc….Frankly, The Dating Loft does not have an official age limit, most of our members are aged mid 20s to their mid 40s (for men mostly). Every agency has their “own house rules”, and because women above 35 are really harder to match, it is no wonder many have stopped at matching for women past a certain age….

We are not trying to blow our own trumpet or trying to say that we are better than others, but we have never  reject a member outright before meeting them in person. We believe everyone has a chance at happiness and would like to meet the person and understand the person better before making a judgement call on their suitability. After all, I have met young ladies in their 20s whom I though were in their late 30s, and I have met babelicious women in their early 40s whose skin condition and figure would put most younger women (including me) to shame.

But why are the older women harder to match? Apart from the more obvious reasons of the biological clock ticking (Men loved to use this as an excuse when refusing to meet a woman in her mid 30s – “She will be a high risk mum” or “I prefer to have more couple time together before starting a family.”), many older (not all) single women I had met had channelled their formidable energies into building up their careers or businesses and thus are financially independent/rich….and along the way turned into demanding, domineering and controlling copies of their former selves. Because they had achieved so much by themselves, they expected more out of their potential partners. Their potential partners (even if it is just a date) have to “earn more than them, and/or have higher qualifications, and of course preferably be taller than them, and a host of other admirable qualities….” They only focused on what they want, what they expect, and forgot to ask themselves are they what MEN wants? I particularly remembered profiling a dowdy divorcee with 2 kids in her early 40s, who worked as a personal assistant to the CEO, an American expat in a MNC. She is adamantly looking for someone “preferably CEO or director level, in his 40s with annual income of at least 500K, be at least 1.8m tall and slim….” I was shaking my head during the profile and wondered in my heart what she was thinking?

We need to accept the simple fact that most if not all men are VISUAL. And realistic and practical as well. And SIMPLE. And they usually improved with age. AGE is a huge thing for local men. 80% probably prefers not to date/marry anyone older than them if given a choice. And asking them to meet a dowdy, divorcee in her early 40s with kids, who looked her age (or worse) on a blind date is impossible, even if they themselves are balding, paunchy, divorced with kids, and in their 40s too. So do we blame men for being looks/age-fixated? Or can we hold a mirror to ourselves and honestly ask ourselves this question: “In all honesty, would we DATE ourselves?”

On the other hand, I am glad that the younger generation (those in the 20s) seems to be taking a more open approach towards formalised dating channels such as joining dating agencies or events, as there has been a steady increase in their numbers here at The Dating Loft and Getthemdates. I observed that the younger members (mid 20s to late 20s) who joined us are usually more focused and goal-oriented. They came because they want to achieve certain milestones such as getting married by age 28, or having a family at age 30 etc…. Some of them may not have a relationship before and hence wants to get started before they get too old, which is great! I have always been a firm believer in making things happen, instead of waiting passively for things to happen!

Read an interesting article on Channel News Asia. Why do men and women get married? Have you ever wondered?
Why get married at all? Women don’t need providers and men don’t need in-house procreators. Turns out, we both want to get married. But for very different reasons.

For all the young women who’ve chewed their nails to the skin anticipating a proposal, it may be a relief to know that, yes, men still want to get married. But there’s a critical difference between the sexes. In broad terms, when a woman falls in love, just like the Trinity character in The Matrix, she knows he’s The One. But a man’s readiness can be seen as a life stage. To call on The Matrix again, a time when he’s ready to take the red pill.

“He first needs to feel like he knows what he’s doing in the world and where he’s going,” says John Gray, relationship counselor and author of the Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus books. “Women are more concerned about who they’re going with.”

“Historically men have been more eager to marry when they’re financially secure, and women have wanted to marry when they wanted children,” says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and author of Why Him? Why Her? Fisher calls it a “human male need” to provide for his wife, a desire that hearkens back to our hunter-and-gatherer days when the “dual-income family was the rule.” She harvested the fruits and vegetables, and he brought home the meat.

But when the woman was pregnant or nurturing small children, she was vulnerable. It became the man’s job to protect and provide for his family. Today, still, men do not feel ready for marriage until they can fulfill that historic role, albeit with career stability and a certain amount in the bank rather than a bison turning on the spit.

The real change is that now marriage readiness goes both ways. Gray says that he’s observed a shift in marriage because of women’s education and work. Women now receive 60% of college degrees and comprise half the workforce. “When she has a good job, her security needs are met, and she looks for a man to provide emotional support,” says Gray. Women are looking for partners who are romantic, supportive, good communicators and will be helpful on the home front, Gray says.

Researchers and sociology professors Christine B. Whelan at the University of Pittsburgh and Christie F. Boxer at the University of Iowa set out to find out what men and women look for in a spouse and uncovered this very trend. From a list of attractive traits, women ranked a man’s desire for home and children at No. 4. In past decades they had ranked it much lower. In 1977, for example, it was No. 10.

Men’s standards, too, have changed in what they find attractive in a potential wife. Until the 1960s men ranked a woman’s education and intelligence at No. 11 on their lists of attractive qualities. Now men prioritize a woman’s intelligence over her good looks, ranking it at No. 4 as compared to No. 8.

And unlike the urban myth of husband-hunters like Sex and the City’s Charlotte York, more women are delaying or forgoing marriage. According to the current population survey, the median age at first marriage in 2009 was 26 for women and 28 for men, up from 22 and 25 a century ago. Marriage historian Stephanie Coontz, a professor at the Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., says with more options, women are delaying marriage to pursue education and find the man they really love.

“It’s only in the last 20 years that women have said they’d marry just for love,” says Coontz. “It used to be that people were embarrassed to admit they loved their spouse, but now they’re embarrassed to admit the other reasons for marriage.”

Sociologist Whelan believes that both sexes tie the knot due to a combination of love and social pressure, and that pressure comes a bit later for men. The typical ready-to-wed man, she says, has been out of college for a few years, maybe just got a promotion or raise, and has experienced a summer of attending several of his friends’ weddings.

Once friends start walking down the aisle, “it’s as if a light bulb goes off in their heads,” says Whelan. Suddenly men realize they want to settle down, and they start seeing the women they date through an is-she-wife-material lens.

Read the complete article at http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/living/view/1061042/1/.html

Just finished up an informal survey of male members on their top nightmare dates, the kind of girls that sent them peeping at their watches for the first chance to take flight! Surprise! It’s NOT JUST the looks (well not for most males but for some really super superifical folks, yeah looks are everything.)

Top 5 Types of Nightmare dates (For the Guys & the Consultants):

1) The Complain Queen. She is the Queen of the Nightmare Queens. Complaining everything from the food to the service at the restaurant as well as bitching about her bad dates or her Dating Consultant, and the driver that cut her path…. It is as though the whole world is purposely against her, there is always something she can pick on. Geunine attempts to diverse her of her complaints typically do not work as she is caught up in her worldview that everyone or everything is aginst her. Sending off a whiney and negative vibe, her dates usually ended up with the guys silently counting down to the end of dinner, usually with a massive headache from all that negative energy.

2) The Nitpicker. Have you come across people who CANNOT appreciate or remember the good things but will always remember the bad or any hint of it? One guy revealed how a lady in her late 30s, smsed him after a blind date supposedly to thank him but the impression he got is she was nitpicking on the color of the napkins, temperature of the drink, done-ness of the food, and her “thank you for dinner intention” was eventually lost in translation. We have also came across members who nitpicked on the weight whether it is 56kg or 57kg, and whether the person’s name end with a “n” or “m” and overlooked the most important thing of all – Your Date and the communication with him/her.

3) The Cheapo. Guys generally do not like it if the girls purposely chose an expensive restaurant to “con” their dates into paying for them, because they are too cheap to pay it for the meals themselves. This also translates into members who would purposely condemn their dates to us, demanding for extra matches, while keeping in close contact with the dates they supposedly condemned as “Total mismatch! Absolutely Horrendous!”.

4) The High and Mighty. The super achievers who are caught in a dichtomy. They can achieve everything they want  to in their career and work but when it comes to romance, they resent the reality that they are facing – Got Money, Got Career, Got house/Car/Dog But No Man and now they have to come to us for help! Hence the complexes and as one guy puts it, “They think too highly of themselves and set themselves to fall by behaving in such a high and mighty manner! Demanded for so many things but have they taken a good look at themselves?” Apart from the usual demands on education level, income level, some have even specific requirements on height as well as looks when they themselves look their age.

5) The Needy. The girl who needs 20 smses or calls to confirm a  date or location, and needs assurance every tiny step of the way, with an almost compulsive need to confirm and reconfirm the number of toes on his left foot or the number of moles he has on his back. Might have a second date if the guy did not catch on immediately, but her flood of sms and/or calls after the first date will usually end it.

Here you have it! The Top 5 Nightmare Dates for Guys (and us!). Watch this space for more dating trivia such as The Top 5 Nightmare Dates for Girls!

I suddenly have this inspiration to write a post on how to maximise your dating journey after you have signed up with a dating agency, and tips that we, Dating Consultants, could not really tell the members upfront.  The truth is, we are humans after all and just like that nice server who would bring you extra servings at your favourite restaurant because you always smiled at him and was ever so polite, we would also go the extra mile for you….if you could just SMILE.

Honestly, we always start with the best intentions. On paper, we are supposed to treat each and every member the same; serve all with equal amount of attention, consistency and quality of matches. In reality, this continues to be a Vision that we will always strive for.

While I love many of my members for their appreciation, warmth and genuinity, many others have caused us to tear our hair up on more than one occasion. Here are the tips from the insiders – what your dating consultant will not tell you but feverishly hope you will know.

1) Treat your Dating Consultant with courtesy and decency. Basic rules of courtesy applies all the time. Do not raise your voice or spew vulgarities.  Don’t hang up on us before we have finished our conversation or be plain rude. We are not your slaves but we want to serve. 

2) Do not call every other day to enquire on your next date, when you have just went on one. We asured you we will not forget about you, and we will give you a call when we have the right match. Calling us all the time does not really translate into better matches for you, and only leaves us with the impression that you are very needy.

3) Do not bitch about your Dating Consultant or your agency when you go on dates. Many have not realised that doing so will leave their dates with a negative perception of them being whiny, non-appreciative and  complainy. Do not bite the hand that feeds you. If you have anything to bring up, go to the consultant and agency directly to resolve.

4) Do not insist on going to ONLY certain restaurants, especially if you are NOT the one paying for dinner. You can give suggestions on the type and kind of place you would like to go. But insistence leaves an impression that you are exacting and a control freak. Leave it to the middleman, your consultant, to arrange a place where both can be comfortable.

5) Do not change your dates at the very last minute.Noone likes to be stood up. After all that anticipation, being told last minute that your date can’t make it is such a letdown! Plus, this translates into additional work for your consultant who will need to reschedule the date, change the reservation and resent out the confirmations…. Yes this is what we are supposed to do, but hey, who would mind less for more?

6) Do try to call back when you said you would. We know you are busy, but it can be very frustrating when we emailed you, called you, sms-ed you….and there is no reply. And when you are available, you call us once and we couldn’t pick up the call, we are deemed as providing bad service. Work with us, let us know your schedule because we really want to make this work for you.

7) We are not perfect and we make mistakes sometimes. We truly seek your understanding and hope that you remain open-minded. Do not give up after just one date or event or use that as a gauge for future matches. Let your consultant know when things go wrong or right for you. Your appreciation really does wonders in encouraging your dating consultant to try her best for you.

 Everyone’s dating journey is unique. Do not compare or jump to a conclusion because you have heard from someone’s friend or colleague that the dating is going to be of a certain way. It is very demoralising for your consultant who is trying her best to help you, and on the other hand you are letting what you had hearsay color your experiences.

 At the end of the day, stay in open communication with your Dating Consultant. Respect her, Trust in her and give her the space to do her best for you. Appreciate her for what she has done and remind her of what is lacking. And trust me, when you do all that, the probability of you achieving your dating goals will significantly increased.
Happy Member = Happy Consultant = Happy Matches = Happy Ending! =) The Best Tip of All: Love yourself and others!

After leaving Gary and his fiancee in the good hands of Ricciotti’s manager, we rushed down to Singapore Flyer. It seems that half of Singapore’s population have turned up in the area either at River Hongbao or the flyer.

Walking around in my heels for half a day is no joke. Luckily we had the use of the VIP lounge while waiting for Royston (the next guy to propose) and his family to arrive. Sipping champagne and snacking on some nuts in a comfy and cosy lounge was a great way to relax for a few minutes before the crowd arrived.

I soon received a call from Royston who had arrived with his family early. Ha! I think he was too excited. I brought them to the lounge and they started to yum-seng with the champagne wishing him success in his proposal later. Nellie the writer arrives and did a pre-interview with Royston.

The photographers and writer went up the capsule with Royston and family to prepare while I stayed behind to wait for Royston’s gal to arrive with her family. Prior to this, I had ‘barkar’ with her elder sister, Debbie to get the whole family there for a “free” company’s ride on the flyer.

I even teased the gal (Hwee Tin) why her boyfriend was not around while we were waiting to board the capsule. She said with a hint of disappointment in her voice that he had to go new year visiting at his aunt’s place.

Imagine her great surprise when they board the capsule and saw Royston’s mum and aunt there! She was still wondering what was going on when Royston suddenly popped up with a beautiful bunch of flowers and a ring. “Who says I’m not here?” He exclaimed and burst into into the song “月亮代表我的心”!

She shrieked in surprise and one hand was on her mouth while the other finger was pointing at Royston, “Why are you here? I thought you went new year visiting?”

 
 
The whole gang with The Tiger Roar!

Royston finally dropped to his knee and proposed. Hwee Tin was so surprised and touched that she teared and couldn’t answer him properly. Sealing their union with a kiss, the rest of us cheered and toasted the newly engaged couple with wine and beer. The view from the top couldn’t be any better.