Ever since Violet (Co-founder of Lunch Actually) launched her book recently, there has been a mini furore about the “unmatchability” of single women over the age of 35 years old. I have had phone and email enquiries from women with regard to this, as well as reporter from Wo Bao calling in to ask whether there has been a marked increase in the number of female members over 35 years old over these few years, and whether they are harder to match. My answers are: No, there has not been a marked increase, and yes they are harder to match.

Our conversation moved on to why women above 35 years are harder to match, and how do we handle them etc….Frankly, The Dating Loft does not have an official age limit, most of our members are aged mid 20s to their mid 40s (for men mostly). Every agency has their “own house rules”, and because women above 35 are really harder to match, it is no wonder many have stopped at matching for women past a certain age….

We are not trying to blow our own trumpet or trying to say that we are better than others, but we have never  reject a member outright before meeting them in person. We believe everyone has a chance at happiness and would like to meet the person and understand the person better before making a judgement call on their suitability. After all, I have met young ladies in their 20s whom I though were in their late 30s, and I have met babelicious women in their early 40s whose skin condition and figure would put most younger women (including me) to shame.

But why are the older women harder to match? Apart from the more obvious reasons of the biological clock ticking (Men loved to use this as an excuse when refusing to meet a woman in her mid 30s – “She will be a high risk mum” or “I prefer to have more couple time together before starting a family.”), many older (not all) single women I had met had channelled their formidable energies into building up their careers or businesses and thus are financially independent/rich….and along the way turned into demanding, domineering and controlling copies of their former selves. Because they had achieved so much by themselves, they expected more out of their potential partners. Their potential partners (even if it is just a date) have to “earn more than them, and/or have higher qualifications, and of course preferably be taller than them, and a host of other admirable qualities….” They only focused on what they want, what they expect, and forgot to ask themselves are they what MEN wants? I particularly remembered profiling a dowdy divorcee with 2 kids in her early 40s, who worked as a personal assistant to the CEO, an American expat in a MNC. She is adamantly looking for someone “preferably CEO or director level, in his 40s with annual income of at least 500K, be at least 1.8m tall and slim….” I was shaking my head during the profile and wondered in my heart what she was thinking?

We need to accept the simple fact that most if not all men are VISUAL. And realistic and practical as well. And SIMPLE. And they usually improved with age. AGE is a huge thing for local men. 80% probably prefers not to date/marry anyone older than them if given a choice. And asking them to meet a dowdy, divorcee in her early 40s with kids, who looked her age (or worse) on a blind date is impossible, even if they themselves are balding, paunchy, divorced with kids, and in their 40s too. So do we blame men for being looks/age-fixated? Or can we hold a mirror to ourselves and honestly ask ourselves this question: “In all honesty, would we DATE ourselves?”

On the other hand, I am glad that the younger generation (those in the 20s) seems to be taking a more open approach towards formalised dating channels such as joining dating agencies or events, as there has been a steady increase in their numbers here at The Dating Loft and Getthemdates. I observed that the younger members (mid 20s to late 20s) who joined us are usually more focused and goal-oriented. They came because they want to achieve certain milestones such as getting married by age 28, or having a family at age 30 etc…. Some of them may not have a relationship before and hence wants to get started before they get too old, which is great! I have always been a firm believer in making things happen, instead of waiting passively for things to happen!

Had a whole day of events at SCAPE Orchard on Saturday in celebration of SDN 1st Birthday Bash! I hosted a quirky bread personality workshop at 2pm, a talk on stage on the “Winning Mentality in life and Love!”.

It was great meeting the 6 participants from Match Me Cupid and having Genecia Luo (of Inqueenz Training Academy) to give them some tips on deportment and dressing themselves for first dates.

They were a participative and enthuiastic bunch of young people! We had fun on stage with them at 9pm, and I think they all made friends with each other!


The Dating Loft also had a booth at the event, and Sharon, Jessica and Tiffany had fun playing Cat Women of the day, giving out delicious crunchy chocolate cookies from Mirabelle Patisserie and distributing flyers.

Finally photo opportunities with some friends we met at night to round off a busy busy day!

Is there finally hope for us mere mortals? All thanks to David who handed me a pretty color-printed reproduction of a special report on “Fall in Love and Stay That Way” from Scientific American Mind. Kate, our dining companion was intensely interested in the article and I’m sure she would have wolfed it down like me on the way home.

This report is by Dr Robert Epstein, a Harvard PHD holder in Psychology and he currently teaches at University of California. Dr Robert Epstein, if this is true I thanked you on behalf of mankind…err…just my readers.

Why is it important to learn the lessons and tips from love? Because, to quote Dr Robert, “Nothing is more fulfilling than being in a successful love relationship. Yet we leave our love lives entirely up to chance. Maybe we don’t have to anymore.” And humans don’t seem to learn very well from experiences and past mistakes; half of first marriages failed, 2/3 of second marriages failed and 3/4 of third marriages fail in the US! (And I’m sure Singapore has pretty shocking figures too!)

Here are the love-building tips and exercises:
1) Two as One. Embracing each other gently, begin to sense your partner’s breathing and gradually try to synchronize your breathing with his/her. After a few minutes, you might feel that the two of you have merged

2) Soul Grazing (Has a nice ring to it =P). Standing or sitting about two feet away from each other, look deeply into each other’s eyes, trying to look into the core of your beings. Do this for about two minutes and talk about what you saw.

3) Monkey Love. Standing or sitting fairly near each other, start moving your body in any way you like – but in a fashion that perfectly imitates your partner. This is fun but also challenging. You will both feel as if you are moving voluntarily, but your actions are also linked to those of your partner.

4) Falling In Love. A trust exercise, one of many which that increases mutual feelings of vulnerability. From a standing position, simply let yourself fall backward into the arms of your partner. Then trade places. Repeat several times and then talk about your feelings. Strangers who do this exercise sometimes feel connected to each other for years.

5) Secret Swap. Write down a deep secret and have your partner do the same. Then trade papers and talk about what you read. You can continue this process until you have run out of secrets. Better yet, save some of your secrest for another day.

6) Mind-Reading Game. Write down a thought that you want to convey to your partner. Then spend a few minutes wordlessly trying to broadcast that thought to him/her, as he or she tries to guess what it is. If she /he cannot guess, reveal what you were thinking. Then switch roles.

7) Let Me Inside. Stand about four feet away from each other and focus on each other. Every 10 seconds or so move a bit closer until, after several shifts, you are well inside each other’s personal space (about 30cm). Get as close as you can without touching.

Love Aura. Place the palm of your hand as close as possible to your partner’s palm without actually touching. Do this for several minutes, during which you will not only feel heat but also, sometimes eerie kinds of sparks.

I am going to try this and see of this truly works….after all we need all the help and tips we can to create and build fulfilling love relationships.

I received an email with the subject title: Burnt Biscuits, and I ignored it for a few days. What burnt biscuits?? I though to myself  – it must be some corny story or joke. I finally read it in a moment of boredom and I really have to share with you all…. It’s a good reminder for us not to nitpick on the imperfections in our love relationships with our parents, friends and partner and to NEVER EVER take their efforts and hard work for granted. I am humbled by this little email.

“When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.
On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school.. I don’t remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I’ll never forget what he said: “Honey, I love burned biscuits.”

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, “Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she’s real tired. And besides – a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!”

Life is full of imperfect things…..and imperfect people. I’m not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I’ve learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults – and choosing to celebrate each others differences – is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that’s my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He’s the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn’t a deal-breaker!

We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!”

“Best Tip: Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket – keep it in your own.”

Shared another heart-warming anecdote with you:

Had coffee with a friend whom I had met only for the 2nd time! She is actually a childhood friend of my fiance and we had hit it off when we met. She is a lively, cheerful and independent lady in her early 30s, who is running her own businesses.

When we finally met up for coffee after almost a year, I immediately asked how her relationship is going and whether she is going to get married. She answered, “On the verge of breaking”. This is the start of a long mutual sharing on relationships; parental and love relationships.

She shared that she was very angry with her parents, especially her mum for almost 9-10 years. She had an elder brother and a younger brother who could not get along and lived in the same room as they have very different habits and lifestyle. So when the family have their own place, there were only 3 rooms. Her parents then made the decision to have her continue to stay with the grandma while they moved to the new home.

Hurted and rejected by the parents’ decision, she only went back when necessary and did not communicate much with the mum for many years. Always thinking to herself and taking the stance that she is an outsider and they are a family.

She took almost 10 years to get over her first relationship in college that also only lasted for a few months. When the guy broke off with her (it was a long distance relationship), she felt it as if it was her family rejecting her again, and held on to her anger and hurt for a very long time.

The turning point came when her business mentor one day gently chided her, “You are still behaving like a child. How long more are you going to continue to be angry with them? Parents being parents, you have to give them a platform to acknowledge their mistake.” She plucked out her courage while cleaning the stall with her mum and told her that she was actually very angry with her and very hurted by the decision. Her mum paused and said, “Your dad said I made the wrong decision too.”

She was so happy with the reply! That one sentence lossens up the knot in her heart after so many years. Her relationship with her family have since improved a lot and she goes over very often now for meals and catching up on each other’s lives. What a difference an apology (even if it’s not direct) makes!

#No 1 Tip: Always say Sorry and mean it.